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May 2, 2014 // Shawn's Journal

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I think Sun and I finally understand each other. She accepts what I was after: an annexing of some kind of my life with her and with Caroline.

2014 Shawn's journal

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April 29, 2014 // Shawn's Journal

CFood (Caroline) and I are on indefinite radio silence until Sun and I can square shit away. Sun and I work on our problems. I must declare my love of Caroline and that truth! Sunni knows! She may yet read the messages! NO! I could not do that to Sun or CFood! I'm in such pain... Box up Caroline! I can't! Sun must let me have something or I will lose both Sun and C. I love both. I'd rather risk secrecy if Sun will not allow contact. I must declare my love of Caroline to Sunni. I cannot lie anymore. I must insist on some contact, with Sunni's permission and awareness. If she's whole in her mind, she may allow it. If Sunni denies contact, all contact in the new truth, then I will be terribly unfulfilled and will live a partial truth. "Love the one you're with." And I risk dying in a special way. But it will keep our marriage intact, or at least it will appear so right now. But I still lose. It may come to a point that I will venture out a...

May 6, 2014 // Shawn's Journal

I have to talk to Caroline one last time. I need to tell her all that has been discovered between Sun and I. That secrecy or natural availability are the only two options. Sunni has made all contact in the new truth forbidden. She simply, with conviction, cannot share me in any way. Friend zone/Soul friend would have worked actually, but I took too long in ironing out all those details with Caroline but I still love her and want her in my life. I have told Sun this. Even re-reading the older emails, I still do not know for certain why we carried on in secrecy as long as we did. She wants a piece of her to herself, but I'm in there and her husband is not totally. To Sun, an emotional sharing of my mind and desire to be with Caroline is an infidelity. Because Sun was not included or aware of the entirety of the deed. Sun admits to being permissive to a friend contact, but she did fear the risk if I became in love with my contact/idea of being with Caroline. Turns out she was righ...

June 8, 2014 // Shawn's Journal

At Mirror Lake Diner. Country wallpaper music. As if they have the corner on country + prick patriotism. Time to just get out. I can't wait to get up there and just SCREAM. Female fawning "mommy" music = country male devotion. I have much to scream out! And to scream about! I do like country kin. My hand are puffy. A bit thirsty. Still some snow in the wooded areas. In a few weeks, snow should nearly be gone. Snow slowed down my journey. Had to spend too much time navigating around it. Did manage to get to my destination, but even Rock Lake was still frozen a bit. Still plenty of snow up there. Had to be very careful. Only step on rocks I could see. I could have easily sunk into a pit through the snow. Cool and windy today with a bit of very light snow. Beautiful. Nice! No bugs. Saw bees, ants, birds, one doe and a few humans. Thought of C most of the time. To love both but only have one. Going home to Jayne. Sigh. I will always be tortured. My fucking knee,...

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