I have to talk to Caroline one last time. I need to tell her all that has been discovered between Sun and I. That secrecy or natural availability are the only two options. Sunni has made all contact in the new truth forbidden. She simply, with conviction, cannot share me in any way. Friend zone/Soul friend would have worked actually, but I took too long in ironing out all those details with Caroline but I still love her and want her in my life. I have told Sun this.
Even re-reading the older emails, I still do not know for certain why we carried on in secrecy as long as we did. She wants a piece of her to herself, but I'm in there and her husband is not totally. To Sun, an emotional sharing of my mind and desire to be with Caroline is an infidelity. Because Sun was not included or aware of the entirety of the deed.
Sun admits to being permissive to a friend contact, but she did fear the risk if I became in love with my contact/idea of being with Caroline. Turns out she was right, because I did/do want it.
But Sun and I thoroughly talked about my time, feelings and desires regarding Caroline. She knows I love the Caroline of then and of today, but she will not allow a sharing in that open transparent way. She knows that C and I can never be just friends now that its been revealed.
C and I are "loving the one we're with."
Sun knows this pull to C will never go away. She has accepted that. But Sun and I have re-affirmed our commitment to the path we both set out on together. The love I have for C is not taking from the my love of Sunni. She finally understands this.
I cannot love C like I love Sun, simply because I've made a commitment to a set of constructs that make the equalizing of the loves impossible. I only wish. I'm with Sun in love. I'm only in love with the idea/desire of C. That alone is a different love. C cannot have the love that I have with Sun. That does not mean it's impossible or that I don't want that with C. I do!
But until then, Sun has forbidden contact for the present. So I can either do as I was before, in secret anyway, but with no hope of annexing at all.... which really is very risky. Or, just let C live deep in my mind, buried away until it can live freely! The choice is mine. Maybe what I need is just some time away from C. I feel the need for space for this very reason. I do not want the feelings of desire to overtake me. Simply because this IS somebody that I still love, and what things are more hurtful than not being able to have the things/people you love! That's what it feels like. Especially with new truth and the sex elephant acknowledged and openly desired and granted by C. That makes for a very intoxicating cocktail.
How can that ever happen?
1) secrecy
2) open, natural availability (divorce or death of spouse by natural causes)
3) it can't...
"I hope it happens, or we die trying"
C is very patient and will likely get her desire someday. But not today...
It also seems as if C is in more of a prison of duty and conformity than she leads on. She is likely suffering more on the inside because she believes so differently than her culture and faith tell her to believe. For her, knowing her personally, this must be utterly maddening at times, especially in comparison to the shadow life she could have had/still wants with me.
"I feel majorly ripped off that I didn't have YOU all along!" Yikes! But, what really can be done about it?
She's at peace with the eventuality of being together in this life. I'm not at total peace, more like a managed unsettledness. I will give time to myself and C. I will contact her again someday. I fear I will have to. Sun will just have to deal with it! It's not asking too much is it? Maybe it is if I know the content of my contact with C would likely hurt Sun. Such as I discovered in recent events. It's a risk to myself in either case: Silence or secrecy.... I risk losing in either case.
"I'm not ready to cut and run to you. So I suppose you don't do the same right now." Me neither. C did hold her promise to give an update to her situation. Tactical assessment is essential for any contact to work. I don't want secrecy but I will send up smoke signals every now and then. Why? Because I want to have that which I love! And that's Caroline! And that's Sunni!
We'll talk soon C. Fan the flames! Stand strong with who you are and who you will become. I know that she has grown weary of her life, especially now that she is a mother and forever bound to Ben. Ben.... despite what C says is NOT enough sunshine for her. Hence why she turned to me, despite all risk, all warnings. I have always been her TRUE NORTH. We both must live with that SORROW!
Even re-reading the older emails, I still do not know for certain why we carried on in secrecy as long as we did. She wants a piece of her to herself, but I'm in there and her husband is not totally. To Sun, an emotional sharing of my mind and desire to be with Caroline is an infidelity. Because Sun was not included or aware of the entirety of the deed.
Sun admits to being permissive to a friend contact, but she did fear the risk if I became in love with my contact/idea of being with Caroline. Turns out she was right, because I did/do want it.
But Sun and I thoroughly talked about my time, feelings and desires regarding Caroline. She knows I love the Caroline of then and of today, but she will not allow a sharing in that open transparent way. She knows that C and I can never be just friends now that its been revealed.
C and I are "loving the one we're with."
Sun knows this pull to C will never go away. She has accepted that. But Sun and I have re-affirmed our commitment to the path we both set out on together. The love I have for C is not taking from the my love of Sunni. She finally understands this.
I cannot love C like I love Sun, simply because I've made a commitment to a set of constructs that make the equalizing of the loves impossible. I only wish. I'm with Sun in love. I'm only in love with the idea/desire of C. That alone is a different love. C cannot have the love that I have with Sun. That does not mean it's impossible or that I don't want that with C. I do!
But until then, Sun has forbidden contact for the present. So I can either do as I was before, in secret anyway, but with no hope of annexing at all.... which really is very risky. Or, just let C live deep in my mind, buried away until it can live freely! The choice is mine. Maybe what I need is just some time away from C. I feel the need for space for this very reason. I do not want the feelings of desire to overtake me. Simply because this IS somebody that I still love, and what things are more hurtful than not being able to have the things/people you love! That's what it feels like. Especially with new truth and the sex elephant acknowledged and openly desired and granted by C. That makes for a very intoxicating cocktail.
How can that ever happen?
1) secrecy
2) open, natural availability (divorce or death of spouse by natural causes)
3) it can't...
"I hope it happens, or we die trying"
C is very patient and will likely get her desire someday. But not today...
It also seems as if C is in more of a prison of duty and conformity than she leads on. She is likely suffering more on the inside because she believes so differently than her culture and faith tell her to believe. For her, knowing her personally, this must be utterly maddening at times, especially in comparison to the shadow life she could have had/still wants with me.
"I feel majorly ripped off that I didn't have YOU all along!" Yikes! But, what really can be done about it?
She's at peace with the eventuality of being together in this life. I'm not at total peace, more like a managed unsettledness. I will give time to myself and C. I will contact her again someday. I fear I will have to. Sun will just have to deal with it! It's not asking too much is it? Maybe it is if I know the content of my contact with C would likely hurt Sun. Such as I discovered in recent events. It's a risk to myself in either case: Silence or secrecy.... I risk losing in either case.
"I'm not ready to cut and run to you. So I suppose you don't do the same right now." Me neither. C did hold her promise to give an update to her situation. Tactical assessment is essential for any contact to work. I don't want secrecy but I will send up smoke signals every now and then. Why? Because I want to have that which I love! And that's Caroline! And that's Sunni!
We'll talk soon C. Fan the flames! Stand strong with who you are and who you will become. I know that she has grown weary of her life, especially now that she is a mother and forever bound to Ben. Ben.... despite what C says is NOT enough sunshine for her. Hence why she turned to me, despite all risk, all warnings. I have always been her TRUE NORTH. We both must live with that SORROW!