"The very essence of romance is uncertainty."
"When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self and one always ends by deceiving others. This is what the world calls romance." - Oscar Wilde
Caroline.
Quite simply, had I to do it over.... Yes, would have been her answer to EVERYTHING!
Our lives should be one now!
I finally better understand her grief. She's had years to feel and cope with this lost, unrealized "us." I'm now just getting started with my coping of this loss. Had a good cry regarding this loss, which I could not even fathom until last week. Now all I can do is see her in my mind and think, "How similar is this Caroline to the Caroline of that alternate universe of the intact 'us'?" Her confidence, her volition.
If I were to look at this from a cynical point of view, I would say that what I see here is a cruelty of the heart being played off by a person who wants me to hurt like her. Because she will never have anyone get the best of her. Because one of life's most utterly cruel company's to keep is the one thrust upon you, representing a place in which you utterly failed to act! In hindsight, now I know. At the time, I just saw fear and an impossibility. But that cynical view is not sustainable and is seen out of my own personal fear to face head on the beautiful star [Caroline] I chose to let travel on. I'm happy that she has what she needs, that Ben can give her that, and continues to provide that. But... But indeed, I remain in her heart as a piece only she and I alone can touch! That deep landscape residing in her that is the loss of a beautiful life with me! The first choice in her heart that she wanted before, and still today wants. An utter cruelty to live with this! A hell of a tale to keep and tell!
I'll never grow past this, not ever, at least as I see it now.
So if the above holds, how can I embrace it fully with Sunni so it does not tear me apart? Am I in denial about the right action to take? Is loving more than one person at the same time possible? Yes, it is. Because I so readily and wholly do. It's hard because I only know the Caroline of now, just barely. Is this the "weekend parent" syndrome? If getting to further know her causes me to not love her anymore, then I think I will have a better peace. Either way, I must know her better so I can make a more informed decision. A better gauge about this person I call "my love."
Again, the question is how to annex both lives into the same plane of thought and action without jeopardizing my commitment to my life with Sunni? Is this possible? [Note added later: No, not ever!] I need to find out. If not, Caroline must go! And I will cope with this misery until the end of my days!
I truly hope it will not come to that.
For once, Caroline will not get what she wants/needs after all with me. And neither I with her. "Would it have been better to not contact you at all? To stay away all together?" She's asked of me. The parts of me who fear the past, the parts that may see this as a visceral and true "fuck-up?" YES! No contact would sometimes be better. I would live with the dreams and the wonder, but it's too late for that. She's here. Going from here to nothing would bring me closer to death than I realize. But I will if it means keeping Sunni. But not without a fight. I MUST TRY!
But also, because I grow so fond of Caroline, knowing I can never never fully know her, may even bring me more despair. Yes. I wished she just stayed away. It's so beautifully painful!
"When one is in love, one always begins by deceiving one's self and one always ends by deceiving others. This is what the world calls romance." - Oscar Wilde
Caroline.
Quite simply, had I to do it over.... Yes, would have been her answer to EVERYTHING!
Our lives should be one now!
I finally better understand her grief. She's had years to feel and cope with this lost, unrealized "us." I'm now just getting started with my coping of this loss. Had a good cry regarding this loss, which I could not even fathom until last week. Now all I can do is see her in my mind and think, "How similar is this Caroline to the Caroline of that alternate universe of the intact 'us'?" Her confidence, her volition.
If I were to look at this from a cynical point of view, I would say that what I see here is a cruelty of the heart being played off by a person who wants me to hurt like her. Because she will never have anyone get the best of her. Because one of life's most utterly cruel company's to keep is the one thrust upon you, representing a place in which you utterly failed to act! In hindsight, now I know. At the time, I just saw fear and an impossibility. But that cynical view is not sustainable and is seen out of my own personal fear to face head on the beautiful star [Caroline] I chose to let travel on. I'm happy that she has what she needs, that Ben can give her that, and continues to provide that. But... But indeed, I remain in her heart as a piece only she and I alone can touch! That deep landscape residing in her that is the loss of a beautiful life with me! The first choice in her heart that she wanted before, and still today wants. An utter cruelty to live with this! A hell of a tale to keep and tell!
I'll never grow past this, not ever, at least as I see it now.
So if the above holds, how can I embrace it fully with Sunni so it does not tear me apart? Am I in denial about the right action to take? Is loving more than one person at the same time possible? Yes, it is. Because I so readily and wholly do. It's hard because I only know the Caroline of now, just barely. Is this the "weekend parent" syndrome? If getting to further know her causes me to not love her anymore, then I think I will have a better peace. Either way, I must know her better so I can make a more informed decision. A better gauge about this person I call "my love."
Again, the question is how to annex both lives into the same plane of thought and action without jeopardizing my commitment to my life with Sunni? Is this possible? [Note added later: No, not ever!] I need to find out. If not, Caroline must go! And I will cope with this misery until the end of my days!
I truly hope it will not come to that.
For once, Caroline will not get what she wants/needs after all with me. And neither I with her. "Would it have been better to not contact you at all? To stay away all together?" She's asked of me. The parts of me who fear the past, the parts that may see this as a visceral and true "fuck-up?" YES! No contact would sometimes be better. I would live with the dreams and the wonder, but it's too late for that. She's here. Going from here to nothing would bring me closer to death than I realize. But I will if it means keeping Sunni. But not without a fight. I MUST TRY!
But also, because I grow so fond of Caroline, knowing I can never never fully know her, may even bring me more despair. Yes. I wished she just stayed away. It's so beautifully painful!