Sunni called me out! "Are you letting me slip away?" I need time to recenter. "You have feelings for someone else."
Me, "Who?"
"Caroline."
"Of course, I always will, but I'm here now, with you."
"I'd rather you didn't have contact at all, but I'm not a control freak. It's up to you. If she were available, would you go to her?"
Sunni feels totally threatened by Caroline. I would feel the same way. I didn't have the nuts to tell her that I would [go to Caroline if she wanted me, even now].
"We don't have kids. It would be so easy right now," Sunni said.
"I could run to anybody," I said.
Annexing "Dinner party" would now be impossible. Sunni suspects that I'll always have feelings for Caroline, which is true.
"Are you letting me slip away because you have feelings for someone else or because you feel marrying me was a mistake?"
I can't help but think she would only say that in light of my revelation about Caroline. "Friend zone" Caroline in Sunni's mind is now less likely. I think the critical timing of our trials and my contact with Caroline has created the perfect, and most likely in her mind, excuse for me to pull back/let her slip. It's quite a cocktail of potential mix of misapprehension and truth. Trust, for the first time, along with integrity of our marriage, is now in question. Oh.... this is folly!
"If you don't want to fight for us, then I don't want to do this anymore."
I must maintain some contact, at minimum with Caroline. Do I really want things to work with Sunni? I don't know. Did I ever to begin with? But I chose her, now live with it. Will you endure and cope? Be a fulfilled person? I don't know. It's not Caroline. It's my unhappiness with Sunni. I told her that too. With no Caroline in the picture, our situation would still exist. We're losing and I'm not sure I want/can stop it! I need time to recenter. Mountain ME TIME!
Sun wants an approved transparency or no contact at all with Caroline. She's grown very weary of not being included in our conversation. I told her, I understand. I must make it happen. She's OK with friends/Dinner party, even learning how I feel about Caroline. Oh my...
She demands that I read my conversations with Caroline. She feels inadequate and feels responsible for me indulging curiosity with Caroline. She feels very hurt!
All I could say was, "It was a foolish thing to do."
"I know that you and Caroline had something special [not HAD anymore...] and I just want to be apart of it. What you are doing is infidelity and if you continue it will destroy this marriage."
This will undoubtedly require me to talk about the unfortunate coincidence between our troubles and my chatting with Caroline.
I'm either in or I'm not. "Fish or cut bait."
If you need her in your life to be complete, then do it. Just include me somehow." How can this be with the new truth? I can, but not in total transparency. On the side! or not at all or Caroline and I pretend the new truth will never receive expression until both Caroline and I are free. "The way you talk about her tells me that she means more to you than just friends. That's hurtful!"
She can now only see losing me to Caroline as the impetus for distance lately. Although it's not, I can understand why she feels that.
Am I willing to commit adultery? See Caroline in secret so I may be happy with having both of them?
"You can't have it both ways."
Well then, that's it?
"Who would you choose if presented with both today?" I shut that down immediately. To choose between a fantasy and a reality? Ridiculous.
Ignorance is not bliss. I cannot undo my past and I cannot undo what is. Maybe I should not have indulged any of this with Caroline beyond healing our past. I'm in a potential path toward losing both if I don't make things work with Sunni.
After talking sex and un-fulfillment with Caroline, it seems we may both have found a solution, but are we now looking for problems? Indeed, why does she and why did I not just stop after our past was healed? Because I was curious and let it go forward. Why still? Because it's CAROLINE, that's why!
She is special to me! With this in mind and the results that came, we should have stopped! But it's too late for that. What can be done to salvage any of Caroline? More important still, what about my life with Sunni? I cannot see Caroline as the way out. She's only a potential among many if Sun and I end. Caroline and Sunni are separate problems that unfortunately have come into such proximity that one may easily mistake one causing the other. This comparison game is the disruptive force. Since it is something special, I may be forced to kill it all together to keep what I have, for the sake of keeping the greater parts of myself intact.
I will always crave and love and need Caroline. But until the day comes when we are free from other commitments, I fear the lesser, but still apart of me, will have to be buried, snuffed out! I cry in such pain! How can I endure?
Me, "Who?"
"Caroline."
"Of course, I always will, but I'm here now, with you."
"I'd rather you didn't have contact at all, but I'm not a control freak. It's up to you. If she were available, would you go to her?"
Sunni feels totally threatened by Caroline. I would feel the same way. I didn't have the nuts to tell her that I would [go to Caroline if she wanted me, even now].
"We don't have kids. It would be so easy right now," Sunni said.
"I could run to anybody," I said.
Annexing "Dinner party" would now be impossible. Sunni suspects that I'll always have feelings for Caroline, which is true.
"Are you letting me slip away because you have feelings for someone else or because you feel marrying me was a mistake?"
I can't help but think she would only say that in light of my revelation about Caroline. "Friend zone" Caroline in Sunni's mind is now less likely. I think the critical timing of our trials and my contact with Caroline has created the perfect, and most likely in her mind, excuse for me to pull back/let her slip. It's quite a cocktail of potential mix of misapprehension and truth. Trust, for the first time, along with integrity of our marriage, is now in question. Oh.... this is folly!
"If you don't want to fight for us, then I don't want to do this anymore."
I must maintain some contact, at minimum with Caroline. Do I really want things to work with Sunni? I don't know. Did I ever to begin with? But I chose her, now live with it. Will you endure and cope? Be a fulfilled person? I don't know. It's not Caroline. It's my unhappiness with Sunni. I told her that too. With no Caroline in the picture, our situation would still exist. We're losing and I'm not sure I want/can stop it! I need time to recenter. Mountain ME TIME!
Sun wants an approved transparency or no contact at all with Caroline. She's grown very weary of not being included in our conversation. I told her, I understand. I must make it happen. She's OK with friends/Dinner party, even learning how I feel about Caroline. Oh my...
She demands that I read my conversations with Caroline. She feels inadequate and feels responsible for me indulging curiosity with Caroline. She feels very hurt!
All I could say was, "It was a foolish thing to do."
"I know that you and Caroline had something special [not HAD anymore...] and I just want to be apart of it. What you are doing is infidelity and if you continue it will destroy this marriage."
This will undoubtedly require me to talk about the unfortunate coincidence between our troubles and my chatting with Caroline.
I'm either in or I'm not. "Fish or cut bait."
If you need her in your life to be complete, then do it. Just include me somehow." How can this be with the new truth? I can, but not in total transparency. On the side! or not at all or Caroline and I pretend the new truth will never receive expression until both Caroline and I are free. "The way you talk about her tells me that she means more to you than just friends. That's hurtful!"
She can now only see losing me to Caroline as the impetus for distance lately. Although it's not, I can understand why she feels that.
Am I willing to commit adultery? See Caroline in secret so I may be happy with having both of them?
"You can't have it both ways."
Well then, that's it?
"Who would you choose if presented with both today?" I shut that down immediately. To choose between a fantasy and a reality? Ridiculous.
Ignorance is not bliss. I cannot undo my past and I cannot undo what is. Maybe I should not have indulged any of this with Caroline beyond healing our past. I'm in a potential path toward losing both if I don't make things work with Sunni.
After talking sex and un-fulfillment with Caroline, it seems we may both have found a solution, but are we now looking for problems? Indeed, why does she and why did I not just stop after our past was healed? Because I was curious and let it go forward. Why still? Because it's CAROLINE, that's why!
She is special to me! With this in mind and the results that came, we should have stopped! But it's too late for that. What can be done to salvage any of Caroline? More important still, what about my life with Sunni? I cannot see Caroline as the way out. She's only a potential among many if Sun and I end. Caroline and Sunni are separate problems that unfortunately have come into such proximity that one may easily mistake one causing the other. This comparison game is the disruptive force. Since it is something special, I may be forced to kill it all together to keep what I have, for the sake of keeping the greater parts of myself intact.
I will always crave and love and need Caroline. But until the day comes when we are free from other commitments, I fear the lesser, but still apart of me, will have to be buried, snuffed out! I cry in such pain! How can I endure?